Jealousy is your imagination out of control. Sometimes there seem to be good reasons for jealousy...many times there aren't. When someone is experiencing jealousy for no real reason then their imagination needs training.
You can easily learn to control your imagination, rather than have it control you. For it is the imagination that causes these feelings of jealousy, when people visualise, for example, their partner with someone else. This can cause a whole host of problems associated with these jealous feelings, from anxiety and panic, to anger when their partner simply looks at another person.
Jealousy occasionally causes the person to be withdrawn and moody, but more often than not results in anger or even fury. Afterwards the person feels remorse, and often frustration with themselves, irritation with their inability to control their thoughts and feelings, anxiety and even depression.
Often the person on the receiving end of jealousy is utterly surprised and bewildered by their partner's response. Also, many people on the receiving end learn to live in trepidation of their partner's outbursts. The 'jealous' person will often be repeating patterns of behaviour from previous relationships although sometimes a person can get well into middle-age before the emotion rears its head for the first time.
CAUSES
CURE
Breaking free from jealousy starts with your thoughts. When you change the way you think, you change the way you feel and act. The easiest way to change your focus is to begin by helping others. It will definitely be time well spent. Or better yet, thoughts well spent.
You can easily learn to control your imagination, rather than have it control you. For it is the imagination that causes these feelings of jealousy, when people visualise, for example, their partner with someone else. This can cause a whole host of problems associated with these jealous feelings, from anxiety and panic, to anger when their partner simply looks at another person.
Jealousy occasionally causes the person to be withdrawn and moody, but more often than not results in anger or even fury. Afterwards the person feels remorse, and often frustration with themselves, irritation with their inability to control their thoughts and feelings, anxiety and even depression.
Often the person on the receiving end of jealousy is utterly surprised and bewildered by their partner's response. Also, many people on the receiving end learn to live in trepidation of their partner's outbursts. The 'jealous' person will often be repeating patterns of behaviour from previous relationships although sometimes a person can get well into middle-age before the emotion rears its head for the first time.
CAUSES
- Unmet expectations. Many times we place unrealistic expectations on ourselves and the people around us. Often times we feel things should come easier and faster to us. Then if things don't happen when we think they should, we inevitably run into someone who already has what we want. All of a sudden, we feel this surge of ugly, green emotion called jealousy.
- A sense of entitlement. For some reason we have this ingrained attitude that we are entitled to things. Kids leaving the nest for the first time believe their own standard of living should be the same as their parents. They don't consider that their parents have worked for years and years. Many times people with financial problems feel "entitled" to buy things on credit, even though they know it's a bad idea. Having the nicest car and the newest toys seems more important than getting out of debt.
- Insecurity. It is so easy to look at other people and wish we had what they have. And so many times it doesn't stop there. We start berating ourselves for not having what they have. Then we begin to believe negative junk ourselves. The next thing we know, we've developed insecurities in our relationships.
CURE
Breaking free from jealousy starts with your thoughts. When you change the way you think, you change the way you feel and act. The easiest way to change your focus is to begin by helping others. It will definitely be time well spent. Or better yet, thoughts well spent.
- Fess up. You need to talk directly about jealousy to prevent and manage it. If you don't say it, you'll show it-which can mean all kinds of accusations and snooping. Share your feelings without hurling accusations. Make clear requests: "I'm feeling a little insecure. I think I'd feel better if we firm up our plans so I can look forward to time with you". Request specific actions that help you feel more secure like planning calls or sharing more about his experiences during the day. The more connected you are, the less jealous you'll feel.
- Manage stress.Jealousy is a stress response, which means if you're already anxious and overwhelmed, you're likely to feel it even more intensely. Before you look to your partner for reassurance, make sure you've done your part to manage anxiety with exercise, good nutrition, meditation and plenty of supports. Sometimes the green-eyed monster settles down when you plan a little self-care.
- Ask for reassurance. If you feel suspicious, use 'I-statements': "I feel a little jealous about your time with her. Can we talk a little about your relationship?" If that sounds too risky, remember, you're already feeling insecure. Better to say it than show it with accusations and angry distance. If there's nothing going on, it shouldn't be a big deal to talk about it–anymore than it would be to discuss time with his other friends. If you do this, be sure you model the same transparency about your own relationships. Avoid making demands or hurling accusations–more attempts at control. Instead, say something like, "I get a little insecure when you talk about having a great time with these other guys (or girls). I think it'd help me if we touched base after you go to the party-maybe in the morning if it's too late when you get back?"
- But ask in moderation. If you always have to ask about time with friends to get any information at all, it might be a red-flag. If things are innocent, your partner should routinely volunteer information. You shouldn't have to keep asking. The more open you both are about your relationships the less jealous you'll feel.
- Stop comparing yourself to other people. You were created as a very unique and special person. Relish that thought. Love the fact that you're special. So you don't have to feel bad that you don't have all the qualities, features, money, or anything else that someone else has. Your journey is just that — yours.
- Stop worrying about you all the time. Find a way to be a blessing to someone else. When you change your focus away from yourself, all of a sudden your self-image improves. You get to experience the feeling of satisfaction that only comes when you're a blessing to someone else. Your priorities start changing, and one day you realize that the things that used to make you so jealous and so nuts, don't bother you so much anymore.
- Stop wanting what other people have if you're not willing to go through what they did to get it. When you see a person who is physically fit and looks positively great, it's easy to feel really jealous. But are you willing to work out every day? Are you willing to eat healthy and look for ways to be healthy? If you're not, then there really is no reason to feel jealous, is there?
- Start focusing on all that's positive in your life. Since your mind can only consciously think about one thing at a time, doesn't it make sense to make sure that "one thing" is positive and is moving you toward the really great things in life.
- Know your limits. If you worry day and night or fire off insecure e-mails on a daily basis, then consider taking a break. When no amount of direct reassurance helps, or you just can't talk openly about insecurities, it's a sign that the relationship may not be for you.
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